British psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion once said:
"The essence of relationships is who creates anxiety, and who contains and resolves that anxiety."
This means that in parent-child relationships, parents need to have a "container" function: the child produces anxiety, and parents absorb and ease that anxiety.
Specifically, this plays out in three ways:
- When the child accomplishes something, parents recognize and affirm them.
- When the child faces failures, parents support and comfort them.
- The child's energy and emotions can flow freely within the parental container.
Unfortunately, many families operate in the opposite way: parents create anxiety, and the young child is forced to contain and resolve it. This involves the concept of psychological space.
Parents’ anxiety invades the child's psychological space. If this invasion persists, the child's internal space shrinks dramatically — sometimes to the point of near non-existence.
In contrast, a healthy relationship where parents contain and soothe the child’s anxiety helps expand the child’s psychological space.
Based on this dynamic of anxiety and psychological space, I divide family of origin into five levels.
1. The Five Levels of Family of Origin
The initial relationship between a child and their parents gets internalized deeply, shaping an internal relational pattern—almost like fate.
Think of it as drawing lots at a temple, with five possible outcomes:
- Worst case (Bottom-Bottom Lot)
- Lower middle (Middle-Lower Lot)
- Middle (Middle Lot)
- Upper middle (Middle-Upper Lot)
- Best case (Top-Top Lot)
Level 1: Bottom-Bottom Lot — The Most Harmful Family of Origin
At this level, there is no stable or safe external environment for the child, so the child lacks a basic stable psychological space.
The child experiences anxiety all the time and struggles to perform well. Two typical scenarios occur here:
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Scenario 1: Parents cause continual external trauma by invading and attacking the family space, severely damaging the child's psychological space.
Example: Parents suffering from addiction, severe mental illness, or abuse create chaotic, unpredictable homes where children feel unsafe and overwhelmed by anxiety.
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Scenario 2: The child suffers deep internal loneliness causing uncontrollable anger (omnipotent rage), which further destroys their psychological space.
Example: A neglected child feels powerless and angry but has no outlet; this rage damages their emotional well-being and sense of self.
Level 2: Middle-Lower Lot
Families in this level have somewhat stable parent-child interactions; parents generally don’t attack the child.
The child obtains some psychological space but parents repeatedly generate anxiety that the child must contain.
This is very common in society. Examples include:
- Parents pressure children to fulfill dreams they themselves never achieved—like attending a university they failed to get into or pursuing a career their parents wished for.
- Parents exert tight control over many aspects of children’s lives, from major decisions like schooling and marriage to minor details like clothing and hygiene.
These behaviors invade the child's psychological space and cause ongoing anxiety.
Although children at this level develop some internal space, much mental energy is spent managing their parents’ unresolved anxieties. This drains them from focusing on their own life goals.
Level 3: Middle Lot
Here, parents neither generate serious anxiety nor effectively contain it.
Children gradually develop their psychological space independently, focusing mainly on their own life challenges.
For example, in my personal experience, I grew up at this level:
- I never experienced physical punishment or overt control.
- My psychological space was stable and mostly focused on my life's mission.
However, part of my life veered toward the middle-lower level. My parents were under strong pressure themselves—criticized harshly by elders as “useless” and “unfilial,” which caused depression and despair.
Because my elder siblings lacked strength, I became the family’s stabilizing force, absorbing their unfinished missions like seeking fairness and reforming old traditions.
French psychoanalyst Lacan said:
"We desire what our parents desire, often mistaking it for our own desire."
At first, I thought my fights for fairness and against blind obedience were only my own. Later I realized they were partly my parents’ unmet dreams, though I consciously chose this path.
Overall, that makes my upbringing a classic middle-level experience.
Level 4: Middle-Upper Lot
At this level, parents do not create anxiety for their children and instead act as good containers who accept the anxiety children throw at them.
A common example:
If a child fails an exam and feels frustrated and anxious, the parent responds:
"Your negative feelings are okay. If you can't handle them, come find me—I’m here to listen and bear your feelings."
This kind of response expands the child’s psychological space.
Level 5: Top-Top Lot — The Best Family of Origin
At this highest level, parents not only contain and soothe anxiety but also provide rich resources.
Children have regular opportunities to engage with mentors and experts in various fields, occasionally reaching mastery.
This creates strong internal drive and the ability to deeply connect with their pursuits.
A well-known example fitting this level is tennis superstar Serena Williams:
She not only inherited talent but, more importantly, benefited from a family environment that supported her emotionally and provided access to great coaching and opportunities. This expansive support gave Serena the psychological space and resources to reach the top of her sport and maintain resilience under pressure.
You don’t need a top-top lot family to thrive; having a middle-level family that doesn’t destroy psychological space and respects you enough to find your own path—however difficult—is already a blessing.
2. Fate, Awareness, and Healing
Many aspects of fate feel profound and set. Even though family origin functions like destiny, we must learn to recognize and consciously accept this.
We can reflect on root causes without blaming anyone, holding a peaceful attitude toward fate.
Through many conversations, I’ve realized:
It often takes three generations of effort for a family to produce someone free enough to truly be themselves.
- The first generation experiences significant trauma and loss.
- The second generation works to heal or fulfill the first generation’s broken dreams.
- The third generation can finally possess broad psychological space to follow their own path.
An example from celebrities or history could illustrate this well.
Understand Your Family’s Influence with the Family of Origin Influence Assessment
Your upbringing shapes your emotional resilience, relationships, and sense of self more than you might realize.
Our Family of Origin Influence Assessment draws on proven psychological theories from Attachment Theory and Family Systems Theory.
It explores key aspects such as:
- Parenting styles
- How your parents related to each other
- Family boundaries
- Emotional support structures
Through this assessment, you uncover patterns that affect your life today. More awareness leads to clarity—helping you break free from harmful cycles and build healthier connections.
Curious about your family of origin’s impact? Try the Family of Origin Influence Assessment now.
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