What Is Alexithymia?
In psychology, there’s a term for people who struggle to express and even recognize their own emotions: Alexithymia.
This word was first introduced by Dr. Peter Sifneos, a Harvard psychiatrist, in 1972.
He described people with alexithymia as seeming different from everyone else—like they’re from a completely different world, yet trying to live in a society dominated by feelings.
People with alexithymia lack one of the basic skills of emotional intelligence: self-awareness—being able to notice when emotion is happening inside.
They rarely cry, but if tears do come, they often pour out uncontrollably. Even then, if asked what’s wrong, they may feel confused. They know, rationally, that they’re sad, but can’t describe how they feel in words.
They might also be quick to anger, seemingly at random. But it isn’t intentional—it’s just that they can’t tell the difference between their feelings, and anger becomes their default, the only feeling they can identify.
If a loved one gets a small injury, alexithymic people might not offer comfort—they may, instead, say something harsh:
"What’s wrong with you? Why are you so careless?"
Underneath, they want to help, but they can't express it. When expressing care feels impossible, anger steps in as a substitute.
Because their emotions aren’t rich or easily expressed, others rarely sense their feelings.
For those on the outside, it seems like these people are cold or indifferent.
Signs You May Have Alexithymia
Adapted from “Running on Empty,” by Dr. Jonice Webb
- You’re easily irritated.
- You seldom notice exactly what you’re feeling.
- You find other people’s (and sometimes your own) behavior puzzling.
- When you’re angry, it’s often extreme or explosive.
- Sometimes you surprise yourself—and others—with sudden outbursts.
- Deep down, you feel fundamentally different from others, as if no one fully understands you.
- You feel like something inside you is missing.
- Your friendships lack depth and true substance.
If these examples resonate, you might also struggle with these emotional blind spots.
Why Does Alexithymia Happen?
Keywords: Childhood Emotional Neglect, Family Influence, Alexithymia Causes
There isn’t a single cause—alexithymia can develop from personal, environmental, and especially family-related reasons.
The biggest? Family environment in childhood.
If you grew up in a home where parents discouraged, ignored, or even punished emotional expression, you quickly learned to bottle up feelings.
For example, a child cries out of sadness and not only receives no comfort, but gets yelled at:
“All you do is cry! What’s there to cry for? No one died.”
When parents don’t teach children about different feelings, or explain that crying, pain, and sadness are all normal, the child never learns the language of emotion.
One person with alexithymia shared with their therapist,
“No one in my family ever shouted, cried, hugged, kissed, or even touched each other. No one expressed feelings, ever.”
Emotions become both confusing and foreign.
For many, anger—constant, effortless, and always simmering—becomes the only emotion that registers.
Because no other label exists, every feeling is replaced by anger. In time, they come to accept anger as a permanent part of themselves:
“It’s just who I am—like an arm or a heartbeat.”
This is a dangerous place to be.
If you never learn to identify and express emotion, you never learn to control it—and struggles with relationships become almost guaranteed.
The Pickle Jar Effect: How Our Surroundings Shape Us
Psychological principle: “pickling effect”
Where you live and who you spend time with—these things deeply influence your personality, temperament, and way of thinking.
If your home life was cold and unexpressive, it’s easy to unconsciously repeat those patterns into your adult life (and risk passing them on).
If you recognize these patterns in yourself, pay attention and break the cycle.
How to Recognize and Express Emotions: 3 Practical Methods
If you have severe alexithymia, you should consult a mental health professional.
If your symptoms are mild, you can try these three approaches to increase your self-awareness and learn to share your feelings:
1. Guided Imagery
Legendary psychologist Carl Jung once said that people often guard their true thoughts very carefully in social life.
Guided imagery is a positive tool to help open up.
Shift your attention from vague feelings toward more specific, concrete sensations by asking:
- “What is my body experiencing right now?”
- “What single word best describes my mood?”
- “If my emotional state was a color, what would it be?”
Structured prompts and exercises turn abstract emotions into something easier to express.
2. Relaxation Techniques
Also known as relaxation therapy or training, these techniques help you actively control both your psychological and physiological responses.
The principle: emotions and physical reactions are linked.
If you can change your body, your emotions will often follow.
Practice relaxing your muscles and breathing deeply. As your tension eases, your emotional state may lift, too—and you’ll find new space to notice quieter feelings.
3. Autogenic Training
At the core of alexithymia is a disconnect between your body’s sensations and your emotions.
Autogenic training helps pinpoint physical signals and trains you to recognize shifts in your mood.
Try this:
- Find a comfortable position.
- Use gentle phrases like, “My arms feel warm and heavy,” to calm yourself.
- With practice, your conscious and subconscious start to communicate, making it easier to notice and eventually name your own feelings.
Start these exercises at home, using simple phrases and visual cues to develop a language for your internal world.
But don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a psychologist—professional support is always powerful.
Final Thoughts: The Cost of Alexithymia in Relationships
Alexithymia means being unable to detect or express most feelings, making a person appear distant and often misunderstood.
This deeply affects friendships, partnerships, and romantic relationships—making lasting connections very tough.
The good news: Emotional self-awareness can be learned.
Whether through guided exercises, relaxation techniques, or therapy, you CAN train yourself to notice, name, and express how you feel.
Over time, this leads to richer connections—with others, and with yourself.
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